Lately, I feel like I am going in a circle. No, not the way that all moms feel so many more times than they want to admit. Its a different circle. Maybe it is a mom circle, just one that is still new to me.
Kale has surgery tomorrow. Its outpatient. He will be "under" for probably 30 minutes or less. I am totally freaked out by it.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my ability to hand Kale over to someone else. As in, hand him off to my mom, daycare, etc. I don't think I struggle with it the way that some mom's do. And I feel guilty for that. Mom guilt is a funny thing. I don't think I will ever get a real handle on it. I don't feel guilty (usually) for handing him off, because usually its for a good reason (my sanity, going to work, etc). I feel guilty that I don't shed tears when the other mom's do. I feel guilty that my son transitions like a champ while the other kids cling. Yes, I know, mother guilt makes no sense.
I have thought about it long enough that I have a pretty good theory, at least for the moment. My theory is this. Kale was literally taken from my body and after a 10 second visit with me, he was taken to another part of the hospital. I didn't see him for the next 10 or so hours. I had to trust nurses I had met were taking good care of him. I had to trust that when Ep and my parents and anyone else shared "Kale updates", that they were giving me the whole picture. I was on a drip that took me to the land of the black hole. So, I had to trust.
I had to trust again when I got discharged from the hospital and we had to leave Kale there. I had to trust those nurses that had bonded with my son and husband. I was busy getting well, while they were busy taking care of my son.
When Kale was 17 days old, I learned a whole new level of trust and probably one of the hardest lessons a parent can learn. Sometimes, you can't fix whatever is wrong with your child. You have to hand him over to Someone who can. All you can do is fall on your knees and pray that God enables the doctors and nurses to keep your child alive. You have to stand back in a corner and be told to look away when they do things to your child that they don't want you to remember. By the way, you remember, but you don't have the visual to go with it. For 2-3 hours we watched as they worked on stabilizing Kale. There was nothing we could do except pray and be there to support him. I know those two things weren't little. The praying part was big. I don't think I have ever prayed that hard or felt so helpless in my entire life. I had to hand my kid over to God. Its easy to do that in the good times. I will be honest here. Its not always so easy to do that in the hardest of times. I have faith, but I am also very human. Then, we had to watch as they took Kale upstairs to the Cardio ICU. We couldn't go with him. That was hard. We had to wait until he was moved to his "bed" and settled. Well, after an hour or so, I went looking for him. This time, I didn't leave the hospital the entire time he was inpatient. But I did have to give him time to rest and take care of myself. During those times, I had to trust his nurse was watching over him well.
So, when you have had to trust other people with your child's life not once but twice in a time span of less than a month and ALL before he was even supposed to be born in the first place. Whether you like it or not, feel guilty or not, if does affect your ability to hand your child off to someone else and trust them to care for him.
And just as I come to terms with this, there is a new factor. Tomorrow will be different. Its something we have known about for a while. I have known that I will hand him off either before or after he is sedated and someone else will be in charge of him for a bit. Its different this time. My momma bear protectiveness is seemingly in full freak out mode. Last night, he had a hard time sleeping. Before he landed in our bed for the remainder of the night, I seriously thought about going back into his room and just sleeping in there with him so I could hold him close. The tears that didn't come when I handed him off at daycare on the first few days or even after we transitioned to a new class last week are now working overtime at the mere thought of handing him over for an hour tomorrow morning. I know that daycare and outpatient surgery are different. But in reality, its the same thing...handing your child off to someone and expecting them to watch over him while you aren't there.
Oh the glory of being a mommy and going in circles and thinking your have yourself figured out and then realizing that you don't have a clue!
I know this probably seems like one big ramble, but its what has been going on in my head for days now. I had to get it out and want to be able to look back on it in the event that another circle leads me back to here...