This is my 10th day of being on home bed rest. Yesterday, I stepped out on the front porch for about 3 minutes. I am doing my best to be more careful and cautious (read: stricter with myself) this time around. Its hard to keep laying on your hiney when you feel there is so much that you need to be doing around the house. I just have to remind myself what is more important...cooking this baby longer or getting that stuff done? Yeah, I will go with cooking the baby. There is still a weird sense of guilt that hovers around me though, as I watch my mom taking care of so many things that my brain says I should be doing.
When the doctor mentioned the onset of pre-eclampsia on Tuesday, there was a small section of my brain that still said...maybe not? God took care of that doubt for me yesterday. I made some poor food choices yesterday and my bp reacted to that. It was up most of the day, but not to the new level that would require a hospital visit or phone call to my doctor. I won't lie...it did inch close a few times. I did what I was supposed to do...laid down on my left side and chilled out, which resulted in a 2 hour nap. So, now I am on board with the doc's diagnosis. Not only am I tired from just the reality of growing a baby, but I am also dealing with pre-e.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that a repeat c-section is most likely in my future. I am thankful for an online conversation with a good friend yesterday. She is a former L&D (labor/delivery) nurse and I have known her since we were about 7 years old when she walked into our class and stole the heart of every boy there! Anyway, she shared her helpful point of view and answered some questions--that really helped and I am thankful for her support and conversation. One of the biggest struggles I had with the delivery of Kale is wondering if I had made the right choices or asked the right questions. The whole experience left me feeling like I had been completely unprepared for the road we took. I just did whatever the doc's and nurses's said. I didn't ask a lot of questions and felt completely out of control with what wa happening to my body. I know God was watching over us all and that it turned out fine, but the wonder and guilt lasted in my head for quite a while. Part of that problem was not realizing how sick I was at the time. I was truly on a "see as we go" type of path and I had no idea how it would all turn out. This time, through my entire pregnancy, I have asked more questions. My doc has talked to me about different paths that we might take. So, I am arming myself with a new set of questions for him next week, since I now know that a c-section is my most likely path.
So, this is my reality right now. A lot of sitting and laying. I don't watch a lot of tv during the day. I am working 4 hours each day from home on my computer with my feet propped up on the couch or the ottoman. I am sick of just about every type of food we have in this house. My hospital bag is slowly coming together...ok, its more of a hospital pile at the moment. I keep the thermostat on 65-67 and my mom/husband think I am trying to freeze them to death. Then they will feel my hands or feet and realize that I am still sweating. Fun stuff!
I am so ready to meet this tough little girl growing inside me. However, I am not so anxious to meet her for the next few weeks (at least)! I wonder about her daily--what color will her eyes be and what color will her hair be? My biggest prayer is that when they pull her out of me, she screams at all of us just like her big brother did when he was born. We don't have one single birth picture of him where he isn't either screaming or puckering up his lips in a pout. I also hope and pray that she will be big and strong enough to completely avoid the NICU. One of the biggest concerns with early delivery is lung maturity. Oh, and I also wonder what her name will be, because we have yet to decide on that! We have a working list that we narrowed down some recently...but we are still undecided about her name.
If you are wondering about specific prayer requests, here they are:
- My blood pressure to stay down and for me to monitor it closely enough to do the right things if it starts creeping up.
- The protein stays out of my urine. I can't do anything to prevent or control this. I am pretty sure if protein shows up in my urine, my new home will be the hospital until delivery.
- That baby girl continues to grow and thrive as long as possible in my belly.
- That I don't go stir crazy from all the sitting/laying all day long.
- That my husband is able to focus on his training and not be distracted by worrying about me and baby girl (or Kale).