Friday, March 19, 2010

The Facebook Debacle

I have been thinking all day about what I want to say here. I have been searching for the right path and the right way to express myself without causing any more unnecessary drama for our household. This is my best stab at it. I will try not to point fingers or be rude.

I live out loud...I am a "what you see is what you get" person...I will tell you what I think/feel/need/want/etc at the drop of a hat. Sometimes this is my greatest asset and other times its is my greatest downfall. Yet, this is just who I am and how God made me. My husband...not so much. God made him quite different. He is more private. Getting information from him can be like trying to pull a tiger's tooth while the tiger is eating its first meal in days. Not going to happen. He is an amazing, interesting, spontaneous, and unique man.

Several months ago, Ep started talking more and more about getting LASIK corrective surgery for his eyes. Due to some decisions that we have made and both of us wanting to be free from wearing contacts and glasses, Ep decided to move forward with having the surgery.

On Wednesday night, I posted an update on twitter/facebook that I thought I was more nervous than Ep and all I had to do was drive him and take care of him. Ep was sleeping, I wasn't. Enough said. It never occurred to me that he hadn't told anyone in his family that he was having the surgery the next day. It was the next morning on the way to surgery that I asked him if he told his family...and his answer was no. Not my choice, not the way I would do it, but it was HIS choice and I RESPECTED that. Ep had turned his phone off and it was only hours later that I realized this fact. After his surgery, he wanted to come home and sleep, which is exactly what he did.

I understood that for whatever reason, he had chosen to not tell anyone else about he surgery. For that reason, I didn't post any more updates except to say he was doing well and resting. I didn't think that it was my place to announce to all of facebook, the internet, or anyone else what HE had CHOSEN not to share. I had nothing to do with that choice. However, I don't blame him one bit for his choice, especially after the way everyone seems to have conducted themselves in the aftermath of realizing that he had left them out of the loop.

Both of us had our facebook pages lit up with accusations, blame games, and rude comments. Supposedly they were all in the name of worry. I don't know about you, but when I see someone (family or friend) has something going on...I pray for them. I might ask what is going on, but if they don't respond, I just continue praying for them. I don't berate them or their spouse for not sharing the information. When they choose not to share the situation, I most certainly do not tell them how they should be handling the situation differently and do not tell them that "what goes around comes around". Nor would I be so arrogant as to think I knew the entire situation or the full scope of why certain choices were made.

Since so many accusations have been made, I think there are some things that do need to be shared. The posts on facebook paint a one-sided picture. Sadly, some people thought they had the whole picture and posted some really rude comments. In the end, all those people did was alienate themselves from us. Its funny what some people think they can say and do in the name of being family.

The first misconception I think needs to be addressed is that I don't control Ep. I don't want to control Ep. I don't think anyone but Ep CAN control Ep. I feel sorry for the person who might think they can control Ep. I don't care how anyone thinks he was raised--he is his own person, he has his own beliefs, he makes his own deicisions, he believes in God and follows His Divine direction in life---and he deserves to be respected for all of those things. Please take note: Ep nor I respond well to being told what to do. We both entered into our relationship that way and its something that still rings true of our individualness today. So really, don't waste your time telling us what to do, how we should act, or what we should believe. We are both quite familiar and capable of asking for help when we need it.

Not once did my phone ring yesterday. When his family could not reach him, they didn't once call me. I called Ep's sister and left her a message. I got a text back and awaited her call. I did not call Ep's parents because I did not want to be part of the "not calling" situation that was happening between Ep and his dad. Ep is a grown man and his communication choices are his to make and I don't make the for him. There seemed to be some confusion about that yesterday.

Until yesterday, Ep's dad had not called him for weeks. That might be normal in some families, but in his family it signals a problem. His dad is known to call him daily. Not calling for weeks is sending a message. Apparently it all started or hit a climax or whatever on a day when Ep's parents were at our house and Ep did not bring Kale home from daycare when he got off work. There is a very valid reason that Kale did not come home with Ep....its as simple as Ep's employer mandating that Ep can not have a car seat in his company car, which also means he can not take Kale anywhere in his company car. I was at work trying to meet a deadline and just like every other single afternoon M-F, I picked Kale up on my way home from work.

I am standing on my own two feet here. So is Ep. And if you look between us, you will see we are holding hands in solidarity. We may not always react the same, handle situations the same, or see eye to eye on everything--but we do respect and love each other immensely. Ep handled the situation as he chose. I stood by him and that decision. I respected it. Anyone who condemns either of us for the decisions we make or for how we handle situations isn't anyone I consider to be family or a friend.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people--including family members--just don't see that thier behaviors, actions, and words actually do affect how other people interact (or choose not to interact) with them.

That's modern day life in Fletcherville for you. Thank you to our friends and family who did pray for Ep (and us) yesterday. Your prayers and kind words are/were appreciated.


Michelle Bettis said...

Very well said. We will continue to pray for you all and for those who felt the need to judge you. For one day they will be judged.

Dawn said...

I agree. Very well said. I think some people don't realize how their actions / words have an impact on the relationship both ways. Much love and prayers to you, my friend.

Jean said...

I had some similar Facebook drama this morning with family, so I do feel for you. I am about done with Facebook. It's just not worth it sometimes.