Sunday, January 10, 2010

I remember

I was reading some blogs tonight and ran across this that was written by a mom who had a very sick child. It rang some bells for me. Unfortunately, her son's story did not turn out with his survival (so PLEASE pray for that family because this was written within the past week).

I was a little dizzy but shockingly alert and coherent.
I finished the discussion and then when the angels (doctors/nurses) were distracted with charts and monitors, I slipped quietly into the bathroom.
Then I started to lose it.
I'd had it.
I felt like I had NOTHING left.
I had a good hard cry.
Reminded God what was in my heart, squared my shoulders and headed out.
I decided to leave crazy in the bathroom.
Crazy doesn't do you ANY good in the PICU.
I left that bathroom full of peace.
It's shocking when peace and terror coexist.
It's disorienting

I remember. There are days I want to forget and days I don't ever want to forget those feelings. Just yesterday, I kissed his one scar from the entire event. I told him I loved that scar and I know I sound like a lunatic when I say that. I told him it reminds me of how so incredibly strong he was/is.

Through the trauma of it all, I don't even know if I cried. That experience in the ER was the closest to an out of body experience I have ever had and I hope its my last! I remember sitting in the waiting room trying to figure out lunch...all the while trying to absorb the reality that our son had just nearly died. Let's just call that the shocking impact of peace (God) and terror. I was at peace because I had just been shown that I had NO CONTROL and that God had COMPLETE CONTROL. Go through something like that and you are going to be one of two things: at peace or scared silly. I was at peace. The terror, well, I am not even going to try to find the right words for that. Let's just say, if you've been there then you know and if you have never been there then I hope you never know.

Crazy only came to visit me once (or maybe I should say that I only remember once...Ep and my mom might tell you otherwise). I was in the waiting room at ACH and Kale had just gone backwards with his progress. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and was having a hard time hanging on. I remember asking Ep when it would all just stop because it had been just one huge never ending looping upside down spinning keep your heart in your stomach roller coaster ride. Ep put his arms around me and just let me cry. Thats the only time I remember Crazy visiting.

Tonight, when I read that blog which I quoted, my heart just broke for that mom. Tears that rolled down my cheeks as I read the remainder of her blog. She will bury her child this week and I am completely heartbroken for her (and her family). Its an odd thing to find thankfulness in the midst of someone else's tragedy. Yet, I am thankful to her for writing the words that jumped off the page at me. I am thankful for our outcome. I am thankful to still be processing and finding ways to express what I (we) experienced. I kept so much of it in for so long. A bunch of it leaked out over the past couple of years, but there are still little streams of it that run strong inside me.

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